Ode to Pain.
What does it mean to be in pain? Often I wonder. For the last four years pain has become a close companion, never very far from my being. It's skeletal fingers often digging into the depths of my flesh.. Sometimes I am overcome by it's presence other times I am encouraged by it's icy touch. Like some demented voice it taunts me. I hear it screaming into my soul. "Dig deeper, push past me! Beat me if you can!" Other moments the pain drags me into my own hellish depths. At my weakest state it owns me. It's presence frustrates my usual calm demeanor. I feel my inner beast wanting to be unleashed. Like some rabid animal it hammers against the cage attempting to acquire its freedom from my self control. The beast and the pain are connected. They feed one another. Each gaining strength from the other. Like some sick cosmic joke they spiral inside me in an attempt to rip the peace from my soul.
There have been times when the pain has saved me. The day I battled for my life the pain gave me purpose. It coursed through my being with every pulse, every breath, every movement. It burned conscious thought from me. Like a flame it consumed me. Its sharp icy talons ripped me in pieces that day. I embraced the pain that day like a lost lover. I clung to it with my very being. The pain was my lifeline. Where there was pain there was also life. To excuse myself from it's presence would have meant certain death. It helped me survive.
There is sharp pain somedays. For no reason my body sends electrical impulses through me that instantly paralize my thoughts, soul and body. Like a lightning strike it rips through me snatching away my breath. During these times I am incredibly humbled. In those seconds I can only be a slave to the striking pain. Only when it eases do I gain control of my inner being. I pick myself up accept my weakness and go about my business. Though it may strike me down I will never give it the pleasure of truly owning me. I will be defiant to the end.
There are dull aches that course through me as well. Days when my bones seem to grind against one another. This pain is masterful. It is patient. It works itself slowly and methodically through my body. Beginning in some damaged joint it radiates into the bone then into my skull. This pain sucks the life from me like some blood crazed vampire. This pain enrages my inner beast. I feel the claws of my inner demons on my back. Their menacing talons puncturing my skin and muscle. Wanting me to release my all my vent up rage and anger at anyone and everyone. Sometimes I grow easily agitated with people so I withdraw myself to an inner sanctum. A place where no one will see my beast. A place where I can battle for control of myself. Here I stay until the storm passes. I only venture forth when I gain the illusion of control.
Over time I have learned to focus the pain. Through meditation, breathing and training I focus it's presence into a knife point. It's razor sharp edge though deadly becomes my weapon. Think me weak. Think me handicap. Underestimate me and that is your undoing. The pain keeps me alert and highly sensitive to my surroundings. My body has developed quite a keen sense of self preservation. Pain has been a pathway to unlocking secrets my soul and body has kept hidden for far to long.
The pain as of late has pushed me to limits I myself don't comprehend. I exist in a constant state of enduring. I ednure this life and this pain in hopes of somehow refining myself. What does'nt kill you makes you stronger ...right? Pain is the best teacher...right? God has put me in these trials for a reason...right? I know all these sayings are true. Though at times I doubt. The human side of me overtakes the spiritual side as I doubt. I know I will see the dawn though I am currently in the darkness. I will not give up up or give in. I am to much a fighter for that weak line of thought. But there are days when my soul aches. Like a massive groaning tree in a summer thunderstorm my soul aches for sweet release. So when that day comes do not mourn but celebrate like the vikings of old for my passing for I have had a good life and I will finally have moved beyond the pain!
