Friday, June 20, 2008
Inscriptions of Raistlin by ~RogueWolfStudios on deviantART
My latest work is of one of my favorite characters from fiction, Raistlin Majere. I have always said if you understand Raist then you understand a piece of me.
Raistlin is best described as the archetypal antihero or tragic hero. He is a Wizard of High Sorcery, bearing the Red Robes of Neutrality, marking him as a worshiper of the Red Moon, Lunitari. In the five years in which the future Heroes of the Lance go their separate ways, Raistlin, after taking the test in the Tower of Wayreth, has changed. He has acquired golden skin, which offers him strong protection against magical attack, and is cursed by Par-Salian, the head of the Mages Conclave on Krynn, with hourglass eyes, which cause him to see Time as it affects all things. (This appearance was originally invented by Dragonlance cover artist Larry Elmore, "because it would look just great"[1]). His body is wrecked and he becomes even more sickly and physically weak than before. In Raistlin’s vision, all things wither and die before him; though longer lived races, such as Elves, are said to only appear to age slightly, while the Irda do not age to him at all. Physically far weaker than his twin brother Caramon, a strong and skilled warrior and swordsman, Raistlin makes up for this deficiency with his skills in the magic, the height of which never ceases to shock his companions throughout the first quest, as more and more of his great power become apparent.
A torn individual, Raistlin exhibits a strong superiority complex (as far as his power in magic and his intelligence were concerned), and knows nothing of true loyalty (Despite his lack of loyalty,Raistlin usually keeps his promises and pays his debts). He only follows Tanis Half-Elven, the unofficial leader of the companions, because he feels that doing so will ultimately benefit him. He is also condescending, extremely resents his lack of physical strength and often relies on his twin brother for support. This generates feelings of resentment and jealousy more than feelings of affection and gratitude. To be exact, Raistlin harbors a secret hate for his twin’s physical power, and for the attention and comradeship it seems to earn him, which Raistlin’s own appearance and secretive nature denies him.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
2004 my testimony, trial by existance
June 14th, 2004. A day that started as any other would. I woke up. I went to work. It was just an ordinary day as far as I knew. That all changed on my way to deliver some of my artwork to an exhibition. A very unexpected event took place. I was involved in an incident that would forever alter life. The vehicle I was driving was struck by a truck that went left of center. The girl driving side swiped the vehicle in front of me before colliding with me head on. My vehicle was instantly crushed and I was trapped in twisted metal and broken glass. I did not realize it at the time but I had sustained life threatening injuries. I do not remember many things concerning the accident, but, over time pieces to this puzzle have returned. I was in shock but certain things can never be forgotten. I remember gasping for breath and not finding any. I remember being pinned by the steering wheel. I remember asking for someone, anyone to help me. I remember a pain no description could do justice. But more importantly I remember among all the chaos the calming presence I know as God. In my most desperate and darkest hour the hand that created the universe reached down from heaven to hold me.
Deuteronomy 4
29 But if from thence thou shalt seek the LORD thy God, thou shalt find him, if thou seek him with all thy heart and with all thy soul. 30 When thou art in tribulation, and all these things are come upon thee, even in the latter days, if thou turn to the LORD thy God, and shalt be obedient unto his voice; 31 (For the LORD thy God is a merciful God;) he will not forsake thee, neither destroy thee, nor forget the covenant of thy fathers which he sware unto them. ……40 Thou shalt keep therefore his statutes, and his commandments, which I command thee this day, that it may go well with thee, and with thy children after thee, and that thou mayest prolong thy days upon the earth, which the LORD thy God giveth thee, for ever.
As I look back on the scene, I understand that it was an impossibility that someone should have survived such an accident. By all the laws of nature and science I should have died at the scene. I also understand that nothing is impossible with my God and that he is above the laws of nature and science. You must understand that God in all his infinite wisdom had placed just the right people in just the right places. I would have bled out from the damage to my legs if not for the state trooper who would show up in mere minutes and the trauma nurse who had been placed in the line of traffic behind me. I would have passed out and possibly died if not for the efforts of that state trooper. A person who wether he knows it or not became a tool and in a sense a channel for God's ultimate power. You see my car damaged, shattered, twisted and broken lay underneath the truck. Officer Pack miraculously opened the hatchback to my Eclipse, which should have never opened in its condition and crawled his way through the twisted metal and broken glass to support my body. I remember feeling that it would be so easy to drift off and sleep. I remember him telling me that if I drift off I would die. I scarcely remember his face but to this day I know his voice. He stayed with me the entire time even when they used the jaws of life to cut me out. He stayed and talked me through the darkest valley I had ever entered. Without his efforts and his anchor of encouragement I believe I would have died then and there. I knew God was instrumental in the use of Trooper Pack and the trauma nurse. Emergency teams showed up on the scene and I commend them for their life saving actions. A life flight helicopter was called to the scene to transport me to St. Mary's. Before they could land to transport me, an intense thunder storm came upon the scene making things impossible for the chopper to land. I believe trooper Pack told me to hang on a bit longer and that someone up there was putting up one heck of a fight for me. So I laid there bleeding and dying as lightning crashed and thunder rolled. But, I held on. Not because of my strength or willpower but because of the calming presence that surrounded me and encompassed me. I would later explain to my wife that God's presence was there. When she told me she understood, I told her she did not and that "God was there with me. He really was." You see my God is an awesome God. I believe he permitted the accident to happen. Why? Only he knows, but I know enough to trust in his wisdom and his will. I also believe he allowed me a glimpse of his presence that day. That day he permitted me to live a bit longer. I have learnt life is not something you are deserving of it is a gift that all to often is taken for granted. For one thing is a certainty among everyone, old and young alike. That certainty is physical death. I did not realize how close death was on that sunny day in June.
I was eventually removed from the wreck and transported to Holzer Hospital where the life flight chopper would take me on to St. Mary's trauma unit. The story from here is told from what my wife explained to me. I would remember nothing of my surroundings for 24 days. Once in the trauma center they discovered the depth of my injuries. My injuries consisted of a concussion, a broken jaw bone, two broken ribs, one of which punctured and collapsed a lung, the other lacerated my liver. I was bleeding internally. My legs sustained crippling injuries. My left leg received a fractured femur, a dislocated knee, tendon, cartilage, ligament damage and arterial damage among many other things. My right leg received a femur fracture, a dislocated knee, tendon and ligament damage and a compound fracture of the tibia and fibula. Both my legs were as close to amputation as legs could get. Witnesses described my legs as simply hanging together by muscle and tissue. I was told Dr. Wolfer explained that it was a high possibility that I would lose my legs. I was told she asked my son if he prayed and when he told her yes that she said "then pray for your daddy". I know he did as I know others did. My church has what we call a prayer chain. Within hours they had people from many churches in the area praying for me and within days there were people from Oregon to Maryland to Florida praying. God listens to the faithful. This I assure you. As I am the result of faithful prayer. A few days later the elders of my church were brought together and John a very good friend of mine stood in my place to be anointed as the Bible states for healing purposes. I thank each and everyone who lifted up my name to the Lord above, for your prayers were heard and they were answered. Prayer is the reason I remain among you. Many say God has a purpose for my life. I know this to be true as he has a purpose for each of our lives. God and God alone knows the reasons for the accident and the reasons for my survival. He is after all what he is, and that is God Almighty.
Joshua 24:15 - And if it seem evil unto you to serve the LORD, choose you this day whom ye will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell: but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.
The doctors decided that I should be put into a controlled coma and paralyzed in order for my liver to repair itself. I had to have 19 units of blood from my internal injuries. It was during this time I turned inward and for a lack of a better word... dreamed. Have you ever had a dream in which you could not tell reality from dream state. A dream that you felt was indeed some form of reality. I had many dreams during this time. If you have ever seen the movie the "Dust Factory" then you get a glimpse of what I encountered. A place I knew for a short time that was as real as the world you know now. I visited many places and many people. I had a journey to make and so I made it. The one dream I will describe to you involves a choice. I was taken before two powers. One, a calm presence of power, wisdom and love. The other, a churning powerful force of chaos an unbridled fury. I was told I had served both well but the time to choose had come. And so I chose. I believe this was where I stood in the presence of my Lord and my adversary. You may laugh and say it was nothing more than a drug induced state. That does not make the encounter any less real. I know what I experienced. I know more than anyone why I saw what I did. I know as I trembled in their presences that these were beings beyond my comprehension. I know the choice I made then and there effected what would become of me in the future. For many days my life was touch and go. During this time I went through several surgeries and my body through several trials. Due to my injuries and swelling on my stomach they actually left my stomach open. The doctors would pack my liver to help ease the bleeding. My stomach was covered with a wound vac but could not be closed at that time due to swelling. For my legs I received various rods, screws and pins that served to hold my legs back into a some what proper place. I eventually had a tracheotomy to help me off the ventilator. I also had a blood clot that threatened my life. I had the risk of infection. I had the risk of my liver not healing. I had fevers. I had many things that threatened my life. But through all this I had God and the prayers of the faithful. He never failed me. In my dream state I believe I walked a fine line between this world and the next. I journeyed in that place and when my tests and trials were complete I slowly began to return to this world. Though they had me on enough sedatives to take down a horse I began to awake.
As time passed my body began to slowly heal. Reality came and went as my body healed. For many days coming out of my coma I had a hard time knowing reality from my dream state. I knew I had received serious injuries but just how serious was beyond my comprehension. Many saw the evidence of divine intervention in my healing. The sisters of St. Mary's referred to me as the "miracle boy". A doctor would later tell me "People who show up with your injuries usually never leave." and another would tell my wife, "Whatever it is you are praying for, keep praying." You see we often forget that God is the creator the all powerful being of the universe. He is the one and only one that is in control. He made us from dust and he alone has the power to fix whatever is broken in us. Although we in our arrogance believe we have supreme control. Our only control is choice. The choice to be of God or against God. The decision is our to make. The sooner we realize this the better our lives will be. When I fully awoke, I awoke to the most helpless feeling a person could experience. I could not move due to my leg injuries. I could not talk due to the tracheotomy. I was to weak to do basic things like bathing and shaving. During this time I learned to fully rely on the strength of God. He showed me he is everything I was not. I clung to him like a baby would it's mother. I was humbled in a most extreme way. Though I was a Christian and thought myself close to him I began to understood just how much darkness was in my life and how much closer I needed to be to him. I knew I was not ready to stand and face his judgement for my life. I rededicated my life to him, a life I should not have. I had so many things to deal with at this time. I had anger. I had confusion. I had doubts. I had depression. I had pain. I had questions. I had a lot of questions. How could the life I knew be torn away by a complete stranger? How would I provide for my family? Was I going to ever walk again? How come I lived when others die? Why was I so fortunate when my cousin Chris was not? My mind flooded with things of this nature. In my condition I was unable to do anything but give all this to God. I remember thinking "God you have brought me this far please deal with all this as I cannot." That is exactly what he wanted me to do. Sadly it is when we are down on our backs that we have no place to look but up. We should look up more often and come to understand just how great our God really is. The hospital scene became old very very quickly. I so desperately wanted my home, my sanctuary, my own earth. I would end up spending a total of 39 days in the Hospital 24 of which were in the ICU. But eventually, I went home.
Upon arriving home I felt like a stranger in a foreign land. My living room had been transformed into a temporary hospital room. I had to be transported by ambulance as I still had no strength and could not weight bare on my own legs. Due to my injuries they installed an external fixator to my let leg to keep it together. Nurses came and went, caring for me and setting me up for home care. Though I had survived and now was sure I would live on I still had many trials ahead. I began home therapy in August. The therapy to regain strength in my arms and legs. Therapy preparing me to walk again. I can hardly describe to you how weak I became. God an I had many talks. Sleep was difficult to say the least. Therapy was close to impossible. Pain became an everyday occurrence. In therapy they would begin to bend my legs and work my muscles. Something that sounds so simple to tell it to you today but back then, simplicity was not an option. The pain would take me to my breaking point. I would often scream out as the pain coursed through my broken limbs. As I said God and I had many talks. My concentration during therapy would often be through prayer. I discovered that there was a point where the body gives out and spirit takes over. Always in my soul God was there pushing me urging me to dig deeper. I found the strength to do what was required of me through the love of my family and my God. I discovered that strength goes deeper than the physical aspect. I discovered where true strength came from. A strength I had never felt before, strength which came from a higher power. But with the voice of God in my life came the voice of the adversary. His voice came as more a soft whisper. His was the easy road. It would have been so easy to give up. It would have been so easy to blame God. It would have been so easy to hate the world. If not for God and family I may have chosen that easy path. However, I did not. I chose everyday to face my therapy. I chose everyday to take the pain. A nurse once told me to appreciate the pain because it let me know I still had legs to feel pain. I chose to channel the pain into nothingness. I chose to strengthen not only my body but my soul. I played my part in the everyday battle that surrounded me. Therapy and pain became an everyday occurrence. Eventually, I grew so sick of being tortured day in and day out. The whisper grew louder. The depression grew deeper. I wanted to give in so many times but I always went back to my choice in the dream. I had given my choice then and I would stay by my decision. I chose God. God had never given up on me and I would not give up on him. We faced the coming trials with an unusual closeness. I faced more surgeries. I faced more things than I knew I could handle. I could have never survived any of this without the grace of God. He gave me strength when I needed it. He gave me encouragement when I doubted. When I could not provide for my family, he provided. His promises are never broken. His word is still his word. And so therapy continued as with the doctor visits and the daily routine of healing. Then came the day I was to stand for the first time in months. A day I will never forget. Somewhere in my mind I imagined simply standing up. Life however is not that simple. The therapists prepared me against the kitchen sink as I needed something to brace myself upon. When I first went to stand the impact of reality almost overcame me. It felt as though I was one with the ground. I felt as though I had thousands of sandbags pulling me back into my wheelchair. I doubted, and as I doubted I heard the whisper of the adversary turn into a scream. You will never walk.! You will never run.! You can't do this! You will fail! Sit back down and stay down! It was then I heard God. His voice gentle and calm. "Stand. Get up."And so, I stood. more by his grace than my strength. I stood against that kitchen faucet and with the help of God defied the very devil who made mankind to fall. I then began to understand just how miraculous my Jesus, my God was when he walked this earth. How powerful he was to say "Arise take up thy bed and walk" You see it is not a simple thing to do. But as I said before with my God the impossible becomes possible. I doubt you could ever truly understand the grasp of that miracle until you have experienced the loss of your own legs. But know this, my God healed the lame when he was upon this earth and he heals the lame to this very day. My legs are the proof of this assurance. The age of miracles has not yet come to an end. After this event I was exhausted spiritually and physically. I broke down on my wife as the reality of what I had to look forward to set in. My journey to walking again had only just begun.
Why did all this happen, I do not know but I know what God spoke to Job in chapter 38 and I trust my Lord enough to know he has greater understanding.
4 Where wast thou when I laid the foundations of the earth? declare, if thou hast understanding. 5 Who hath laid the measures thereof, if thou knowest? or who hath stretched the line upon it? 6 Whereupon are the foundations thereof fastened? or who laid the corner stone thereof; 7 When the morning stars sang together, and all the sons of God shouted for joy? 8 Or who shut up the sea with doors, when it brake forth, as if it had issued out of the womb? 9 When I made the cloud the garment thereof, and thick darkness a swaddlingband for it, 10 And brake up for it my decreed place, and set bars and doors, 11 And said, Hitherto shalt thou come, but no further: and here shall thy proud waves be stayed? 12 Hast thou commanded the morning since thy days; and caused the dayspring to know his place; 13 That it might take hold of the ends of the earth, that the wicked might be shaken out of it? 14 It is turned as clay to the seal; and they stand as a garment. 15 And from the wicked their light is withholden, and the high arm shall be broken. 16 Hast thou entered into the springs of the sea? or hast thou walked in the search of the depth? 17 Have the gates of death been opened unto thee? or hast thou seen the doors of the shadow of death? 18 Hast thou perceived the breadth of the earth? declare if thou knowest it all.
Deuteronomy 4
29 But if from thence thou shalt seek the LORD thy God, thou shalt find him, if thou seek him with all thy heart and with all thy soul. 30 When thou art in tribulation, and all these things are come upon thee, even in the latter days, if thou turn to the LORD thy God, and shalt be obedient unto his voice; 31 (For the LORD thy God is a merciful God;) he will not forsake thee, neither destroy thee, nor forget the covenant of thy fathers which he sware unto them. ……40 Thou shalt keep therefore his statutes, and his commandments, which I command thee this day, that it may go well with thee, and with thy children after thee, and that thou mayest prolong thy days upon the earth, which the LORD thy God giveth thee, for ever.
As I look back on the scene, I understand that it was an impossibility that someone should have survived such an accident. By all the laws of nature and science I should have died at the scene. I also understand that nothing is impossible with my God and that he is above the laws of nature and science. You must understand that God in all his infinite wisdom had placed just the right people in just the right places. I would have bled out from the damage to my legs if not for the state trooper who would show up in mere minutes and the trauma nurse who had been placed in the line of traffic behind me. I would have passed out and possibly died if not for the efforts of that state trooper. A person who wether he knows it or not became a tool and in a sense a channel for God's ultimate power. You see my car damaged, shattered, twisted and broken lay underneath the truck. Officer Pack miraculously opened the hatchback to my Eclipse, which should have never opened in its condition and crawled his way through the twisted metal and broken glass to support my body. I remember feeling that it would be so easy to drift off and sleep. I remember him telling me that if I drift off I would die. I scarcely remember his face but to this day I know his voice. He stayed with me the entire time even when they used the jaws of life to cut me out. He stayed and talked me through the darkest valley I had ever entered. Without his efforts and his anchor of encouragement I believe I would have died then and there. I knew God was instrumental in the use of Trooper Pack and the trauma nurse. Emergency teams showed up on the scene and I commend them for their life saving actions. A life flight helicopter was called to the scene to transport me to St. Mary's. Before they could land to transport me, an intense thunder storm came upon the scene making things impossible for the chopper to land. I believe trooper Pack told me to hang on a bit longer and that someone up there was putting up one heck of a fight for me. So I laid there bleeding and dying as lightning crashed and thunder rolled. But, I held on. Not because of my strength or willpower but because of the calming presence that surrounded me and encompassed me. I would later explain to my wife that God's presence was there. When she told me she understood, I told her she did not and that "God was there with me. He really was." You see my God is an awesome God. I believe he permitted the accident to happen. Why? Only he knows, but I know enough to trust in his wisdom and his will. I also believe he allowed me a glimpse of his presence that day. That day he permitted me to live a bit longer. I have learnt life is not something you are deserving of it is a gift that all to often is taken for granted. For one thing is a certainty among everyone, old and young alike. That certainty is physical death. I did not realize how close death was on that sunny day in June.
I was eventually removed from the wreck and transported to Holzer Hospital where the life flight chopper would take me on to St. Mary's trauma unit. The story from here is told from what my wife explained to me. I would remember nothing of my surroundings for 24 days. Once in the trauma center they discovered the depth of my injuries. My injuries consisted of a concussion, a broken jaw bone, two broken ribs, one of which punctured and collapsed a lung, the other lacerated my liver. I was bleeding internally. My legs sustained crippling injuries. My left leg received a fractured femur, a dislocated knee, tendon, cartilage, ligament damage and arterial damage among many other things. My right leg received a femur fracture, a dislocated knee, tendon and ligament damage and a compound fracture of the tibia and fibula. Both my legs were as close to amputation as legs could get. Witnesses described my legs as simply hanging together by muscle and tissue. I was told Dr. Wolfer explained that it was a high possibility that I would lose my legs. I was told she asked my son if he prayed and when he told her yes that she said "then pray for your daddy". I know he did as I know others did. My church has what we call a prayer chain. Within hours they had people from many churches in the area praying for me and within days there were people from Oregon to Maryland to Florida praying. God listens to the faithful. This I assure you. As I am the result of faithful prayer. A few days later the elders of my church were brought together and John a very good friend of mine stood in my place to be anointed as the Bible states for healing purposes. I thank each and everyone who lifted up my name to the Lord above, for your prayers were heard and they were answered. Prayer is the reason I remain among you. Many say God has a purpose for my life. I know this to be true as he has a purpose for each of our lives. God and God alone knows the reasons for the accident and the reasons for my survival. He is after all what he is, and that is God Almighty.
Joshua 24:15 - And if it seem evil unto you to serve the LORD, choose you this day whom ye will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell: but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.
The doctors decided that I should be put into a controlled coma and paralyzed in order for my liver to repair itself. I had to have 19 units of blood from my internal injuries. It was during this time I turned inward and for a lack of a better word... dreamed. Have you ever had a dream in which you could not tell reality from dream state. A dream that you felt was indeed some form of reality. I had many dreams during this time. If you have ever seen the movie the "Dust Factory" then you get a glimpse of what I encountered. A place I knew for a short time that was as real as the world you know now. I visited many places and many people. I had a journey to make and so I made it. The one dream I will describe to you involves a choice. I was taken before two powers. One, a calm presence of power, wisdom and love. The other, a churning powerful force of chaos an unbridled fury. I was told I had served both well but the time to choose had come. And so I chose. I believe this was where I stood in the presence of my Lord and my adversary. You may laugh and say it was nothing more than a drug induced state. That does not make the encounter any less real. I know what I experienced. I know more than anyone why I saw what I did. I know as I trembled in their presences that these were beings beyond my comprehension. I know the choice I made then and there effected what would become of me in the future. For many days my life was touch and go. During this time I went through several surgeries and my body through several trials. Due to my injuries and swelling on my stomach they actually left my stomach open. The doctors would pack my liver to help ease the bleeding. My stomach was covered with a wound vac but could not be closed at that time due to swelling. For my legs I received various rods, screws and pins that served to hold my legs back into a some what proper place. I eventually had a tracheotomy to help me off the ventilator. I also had a blood clot that threatened my life. I had the risk of infection. I had the risk of my liver not healing. I had fevers. I had many things that threatened my life. But through all this I had God and the prayers of the faithful. He never failed me. In my dream state I believe I walked a fine line between this world and the next. I journeyed in that place and when my tests and trials were complete I slowly began to return to this world. Though they had me on enough sedatives to take down a horse I began to awake.
As time passed my body began to slowly heal. Reality came and went as my body healed. For many days coming out of my coma I had a hard time knowing reality from my dream state. I knew I had received serious injuries but just how serious was beyond my comprehension. Many saw the evidence of divine intervention in my healing. The sisters of St. Mary's referred to me as the "miracle boy". A doctor would later tell me "People who show up with your injuries usually never leave." and another would tell my wife, "Whatever it is you are praying for, keep praying." You see we often forget that God is the creator the all powerful being of the universe. He is the one and only one that is in control. He made us from dust and he alone has the power to fix whatever is broken in us. Although we in our arrogance believe we have supreme control. Our only control is choice. The choice to be of God or against God. The decision is our to make. The sooner we realize this the better our lives will be. When I fully awoke, I awoke to the most helpless feeling a person could experience. I could not move due to my leg injuries. I could not talk due to the tracheotomy. I was to weak to do basic things like bathing and shaving. During this time I learned to fully rely on the strength of God. He showed me he is everything I was not. I clung to him like a baby would it's mother. I was humbled in a most extreme way. Though I was a Christian and thought myself close to him I began to understood just how much darkness was in my life and how much closer I needed to be to him. I knew I was not ready to stand and face his judgement for my life. I rededicated my life to him, a life I should not have. I had so many things to deal with at this time. I had anger. I had confusion. I had doubts. I had depression. I had pain. I had questions. I had a lot of questions. How could the life I knew be torn away by a complete stranger? How would I provide for my family? Was I going to ever walk again? How come I lived when others die? Why was I so fortunate when my cousin Chris was not? My mind flooded with things of this nature. In my condition I was unable to do anything but give all this to God. I remember thinking "God you have brought me this far please deal with all this as I cannot." That is exactly what he wanted me to do. Sadly it is when we are down on our backs that we have no place to look but up. We should look up more often and come to understand just how great our God really is. The hospital scene became old very very quickly. I so desperately wanted my home, my sanctuary, my own earth. I would end up spending a total of 39 days in the Hospital 24 of which were in the ICU. But eventually, I went home.
Upon arriving home I felt like a stranger in a foreign land. My living room had been transformed into a temporary hospital room. I had to be transported by ambulance as I still had no strength and could not weight bare on my own legs. Due to my injuries they installed an external fixator to my let leg to keep it together. Nurses came and went, caring for me and setting me up for home care. Though I had survived and now was sure I would live on I still had many trials ahead. I began home therapy in August. The therapy to regain strength in my arms and legs. Therapy preparing me to walk again. I can hardly describe to you how weak I became. God an I had many talks. Sleep was difficult to say the least. Therapy was close to impossible. Pain became an everyday occurrence. In therapy they would begin to bend my legs and work my muscles. Something that sounds so simple to tell it to you today but back then, simplicity was not an option. The pain would take me to my breaking point. I would often scream out as the pain coursed through my broken limbs. As I said God and I had many talks. My concentration during therapy would often be through prayer. I discovered that there was a point where the body gives out and spirit takes over. Always in my soul God was there pushing me urging me to dig deeper. I found the strength to do what was required of me through the love of my family and my God. I discovered that strength goes deeper than the physical aspect. I discovered where true strength came from. A strength I had never felt before, strength which came from a higher power. But with the voice of God in my life came the voice of the adversary. His voice came as more a soft whisper. His was the easy road. It would have been so easy to give up. It would have been so easy to blame God. It would have been so easy to hate the world. If not for God and family I may have chosen that easy path. However, I did not. I chose everyday to face my therapy. I chose everyday to take the pain. A nurse once told me to appreciate the pain because it let me know I still had legs to feel pain. I chose to channel the pain into nothingness. I chose to strengthen not only my body but my soul. I played my part in the everyday battle that surrounded me. Therapy and pain became an everyday occurrence. Eventually, I grew so sick of being tortured day in and day out. The whisper grew louder. The depression grew deeper. I wanted to give in so many times but I always went back to my choice in the dream. I had given my choice then and I would stay by my decision. I chose God. God had never given up on me and I would not give up on him. We faced the coming trials with an unusual closeness. I faced more surgeries. I faced more things than I knew I could handle. I could have never survived any of this without the grace of God. He gave me strength when I needed it. He gave me encouragement when I doubted. When I could not provide for my family, he provided. His promises are never broken. His word is still his word. And so therapy continued as with the doctor visits and the daily routine of healing. Then came the day I was to stand for the first time in months. A day I will never forget. Somewhere in my mind I imagined simply standing up. Life however is not that simple. The therapists prepared me against the kitchen sink as I needed something to brace myself upon. When I first went to stand the impact of reality almost overcame me. It felt as though I was one with the ground. I felt as though I had thousands of sandbags pulling me back into my wheelchair. I doubted, and as I doubted I heard the whisper of the adversary turn into a scream. You will never walk.! You will never run.! You can't do this! You will fail! Sit back down and stay down! It was then I heard God. His voice gentle and calm. "Stand. Get up."And so, I stood. more by his grace than my strength. I stood against that kitchen faucet and with the help of God defied the very devil who made mankind to fall. I then began to understand just how miraculous my Jesus, my God was when he walked this earth. How powerful he was to say "Arise take up thy bed and walk" You see it is not a simple thing to do. But as I said before with my God the impossible becomes possible. I doubt you could ever truly understand the grasp of that miracle until you have experienced the loss of your own legs. But know this, my God healed the lame when he was upon this earth and he heals the lame to this very day. My legs are the proof of this assurance. The age of miracles has not yet come to an end. After this event I was exhausted spiritually and physically. I broke down on my wife as the reality of what I had to look forward to set in. My journey to walking again had only just begun.
Why did all this happen, I do not know but I know what God spoke to Job in chapter 38 and I trust my Lord enough to know he has greater understanding.
4 Where wast thou when I laid the foundations of the earth? declare, if thou hast understanding. 5 Who hath laid the measures thereof, if thou knowest? or who hath stretched the line upon it? 6 Whereupon are the foundations thereof fastened? or who laid the corner stone thereof; 7 When the morning stars sang together, and all the sons of God shouted for joy? 8 Or who shut up the sea with doors, when it brake forth, as if it had issued out of the womb? 9 When I made the cloud the garment thereof, and thick darkness a swaddlingband for it, 10 And brake up for it my decreed place, and set bars and doors, 11 And said, Hitherto shalt thou come, but no further: and here shall thy proud waves be stayed? 12 Hast thou commanded the morning since thy days; and caused the dayspring to know his place; 13 That it might take hold of the ends of the earth, that the wicked might be shaken out of it? 14 It is turned as clay to the seal; and they stand as a garment. 15 And from the wicked their light is withholden, and the high arm shall be broken. 16 Hast thou entered into the springs of the sea? or hast thou walked in the search of the depth? 17 Have the gates of death been opened unto thee? or hast thou seen the doors of the shadow of death? 18 Hast thou perceived the breadth of the earth? declare if thou knowest it all.
My Grandfather's Journey, Honoring an old Warrior
The day came as any other would. Night faded as the slowly approaching dawn chased the sleepy stillness of the world away. The first snow of winter softly fell from the heavens to lay gently upon the earth. I stood in the darkness of my home and watched the transformation of my world. I knew my vision would never be the same after this day. My mind, heavy from the events that unfolded before me, returned me to years long past. To the days long ago when I stalked through wilderness with my grandfather. My grandfather was a man above most men, equal in my eyes only to my own father. He would often take my cousin and I into the wild to pass on his wisdom of the woods to young eager minds. I learned to walk and hunt in silence, watching a master and learning to track sign and animal behavior from a man who seemed so at home in this wooded world. As a patient teacher he watched and waited for my mistakes, eager to take the opportunity to teach me further. We walked for hours on the trails that crisscrossed the hillsides of south eastern Ohio. I always wondered what adventures would await us over the next crest of earth. There was always an adventure to be found in those days. I so loved those days and those adventures. I long for them now. My mind returns from past events to the here and now and my heart saddens. My grandfather, my friend, my teacher, my guide and my light now begins an adventure that I cannot yet follow him on. The events of the previous days unfold before me as I once again sink into memories. I remember reading the Bible to my grandfather and signing Christmas tunes to him by his hospital bed. He finished the verses before I finished reading them as he had dedicated so much of God's word to memory. I saw the joy on his face as he soaked up every second of his God's grace. I remember this man of God in his last prayer. Even in the pain he praised the Creator. Thanking God for his life, his children and his grandchildren. He asked forgiveness for those times he had failed, for he knew no man was perfect. He asked God to still use him. Though he knew his hours were few he prayed for strength to reach a lost soul by what life he had left. I remember when speech had left him. His sight reached into a world that I could not see. Often he would reach into the heavens to praise an unseen savior. Like a marathon runner at the end of his race he raised his arms in victory. His breathing toward the end became labored. His last words were uttered when my uncle asked what he saw. "Mom" grandfather whispered. Though death was near, he lingered on for a time. He seemed to be enjoying the walk of the veil from life to death. It must have been a beautiful journey for his eyes showed us wonders beyond our imaginations. Somewhere inside I knew this would be his last day. I saw it fitting that God blessed this day with the first snow of the season. It somehow seemed hallowed. The day passed slowly. Snow gently fell most of the day. The sun hid it's warmth. An unusual chill seemed to reach into the deepness of my bones. Toward evening when all had said their farewells, my grandfather the mighty warrior passed through the veil of death and entered eternity. My tears joined the snow flakes as I mourned the passing of this great man. I was deeply honored to be have been a part of this journey.
Grandfather my heart aches for you. I pray you well on your journey. May you learn those paths of heavens hills. May we someday be reunited to walk those paths and seek new adventures. Your teachings and love will never be forgotten. You have been a light to me in dark hours. "I'm praying for you Jay!" you once said to me. Those words ring through my mind as I remember the time I once fought for life on this world. You reached out with your love and prayers as the medics who thought me to be dying took me to the helicopter. I knew your prayers had power as I could feel them fall around me. I know somewhere on the other side of eternity you are still praying. I can only say now as I said then "Keep praying Papa! Keep praying!" I will always love you!
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Chapter 1 - My True Story
The vehicles collided. The impact sending shock waves of sickening horror through it's victims. Sounds of twisting metal and breaking glass pounded across the country side like a massive explosion. Bones snapped and flesh ripped. Blood began to pour as life began to fade. The cause? A young girl's inexperience and carelessness. It would have taken her only a moment to pull off the road to answer the cell phone but the cost of those precious moments would cost me a lifetime. In an instant two strangers literally impacted one another's life. Had fate led to this day? Was this divine province? Was there purpose in the pain? The agonizing pain. It tore through me with waves of agony. My mind seared with the intense pain. It purged me of conscious thought. There was a intense stabbing pain in my side. It felt like a serrated blade being pushed deeper and deeper into me with each breath. I tried to shallow my breathing but the pain only increased. My legs were crushed I could barely recognize them broken and trapped beneath the mangled dashboard. They had been severed from most of my body. Little did I realize they hung to me by a few tendons and pieces of flesh. Every attempt at movement ground my broken bones together, causing more intense agony. My ribs tore my inner organs, one puncturing a lung, the other lacerating my liver. Blood poured from every inch of my body like a raging stream. I will never forget the scent of blood to this day. The harsh metallic scent permeated everything in my confined state. My life's fuel dripped into my eyes stinging them with even more agony. I felt weakness quickly overcome my conscious state as I rapidly lost blood. I felt the world fade and something else take it's place. Something beyond the comprehension of everything I had ever known. My life force faded quicker with each passing moment. "Please help me!" I screamed. "Someone please help me!' I bellowed with an exhausted breath. It would have been so easy to slip into the sleep of death. Death's pull felt so strong and intense. It welcomed me with open arms. I fought to hold on as I ripped the cross from my neck. I held it in my palm with what strength I still possessed. "God, save me!" That was all I could say, my strength was gone. It was at that moment it happened. Something beyond understanding was unleashed. It's presence enveloped me completely. It cradled me like a mother would hold an infant. "God?" I rasped. I could feel some inner part of me recognize the presence that now surrounded me. My soul knew it's creator. Though I could still feel the pain it became almost distant as I was held. Though I was dying, I was at peace. The presence intertwined itself to me. It gave me the life force I so desperately needed to survive. My veins were almost empty but still I lived, still I breathed.
"Hang on son! Hang on!" screamed the state trooper as he crawled through the twisted metal to support my body. "What happened?" I asked the officer. "You've been in an accident, just hold on, we need to get you out of here."The trooper replied "Was it my fault?" I asked wearily. "No son you're on your side of the road you're the victim here just hang on." the trooper said as he called for backup. I could feel myself beginning to fade. It would have been so easy to slip into the sleep that now welcomed me. "Stay with me! Do not go to sleep! If you sleep you die!" He screamed. I looked at the trooper through a blurry haze. I could hardly see due to the blood that poured into my eyes. "Am I going to die?" I asked not really understanding my own question. "Not on my highway, not today." The trooper stated with a certain amount of faith that helped encourage me to fight harder. "what's your name?" the trooper asked trying to lighten the situation. "Jason." I murmered. I faded in an out of the world as the valiant trooper worked to save me. The feeling of drowning in darkness was so strong. It would have been incredibly easy to pass into the darkness that seemed to suffocate me. Each time I almost gave in the trooper would awaken me with shouts of encouragement or light smacks. He became the anchor I needed to the world of the living. The trooper continued to pushed me back from the precipice of death. He battled with death himself that day and fought a most valiant fight. I can never thank him enough for his actions and honor.
Others soon arrived on the scene. The firemen, the medics, the first responders all began to appear as if summoned by some mystical force. My cousin and my brother appeared on the scene as well. My cousin Chad held my brother at bay as he looked on the wreckage. "Jeremy there is no way I'm letting you any closer!" Chad screamed. My brother had gone into shock at seeing the mangled wreckage of his brother's car. Fate had spared my brother this day. Minutes before I had asked Jeremy to accompany me on my trip to town. He was unavailable at the time to make the journey so he stayed back at our home. If he would have taken the fateful trip he would have died at the scene. My passenger seat had a huge piece of the engine rammed through it. Jeremy would have been in that seat. Chad knew this as he passed my brother off onto some neighbors for care. Chad then ran to my side. I remember looking over after hearing him and asking "What happened man?" Chad's face was pale as he saw my predicament. I knew things were bad by the way Chad held his demeanor. He prodded and encouraged me to fight harder. Chad never left me, even when the emergency crews tried to chase him off. He was always a stubborn kind of guy. I admire his heart and determination. Stubborness must run in my family as I refused to give in to death's pull. Even as I continued to fight I still felt the touch of my God. He was another person who never left me that day. His presence continued to hold me and cradle me. Some would later say I had asked where the "guy" went. When they asked "What guy?" I would simply reply the one who was in the crash with me. Was the "guy" the trooper, Chad or some unseen hand that held mine? I may never know but I know the spirit that intertwined itself to me was real and far beyond my understanding.
The emergency responders were gathering by the truck load as I became center of attention. I could feel my life was fading fast. Time was of the utmost importance. Each second that passed brought my death that much closer. The trooper whose name I would later be told was Pack, held me while they worked desperately to extricate me from the mangled wreckage. With each jolt, each movement I could feel my shattered bones grind harder against themselves. The pain seared my conscience as I drifted in and out. "It's going to get very noisy so just hang with me." Pack told me as they broke out the jaws of life. Suddenly the fading world came to a explosion of sound as the machine that worked to get me out shattered glass and cut through metal. It was as if a thrash metal concert was taking place inside my skull. Then complete silence replaced the former chaos. I felt the hands of the emergency crews immediately get to work at saving my life. Life was traded for something else, survival. I simply endured the pain. I embraced it, focusing on the presence that still intertwined itself to me. The spirit still held me, lifted me and gave me life. Life where there should have been none.
Eventually I was freed from the mangled disaster. Transported to the closest hospital where the doctors went to work. They repaired the damage to my arteries and stemmed the flow of blood. However, being a small town hospital there was little else they could do."We need to get him to a trauma center" Dr. Hollingsworth screamed. "Life flight is in route!' replied another doctor. "Hang on Jason." The doctor stated. "Hang on a bit longer" I remembered through the haze of twisted memories faces and voices, some familiar others strange as I was carried from the hospital to the flight pad. "Jason your family is here." stated a nurse. I couldn't see them but I could feel their presence as I passed them in the hallway. My grandfather yelled out "We're praying for you Jay." "Keep praying papa" I whispered back through fear and tears. As they rushed me from the hospital to the flight pad I could feel the prayers fall around me. I could also feel the crisp coolness of the early summer air in the night. It gave me some comfort. I welcomed any comfort.
My family followed me to the flight pad. There were cries and whispers and of course questions. "Is he going to make it?" My mother asked. I could just hear the polite response of doctor. "We don't know, we just don't know. You can only pray now.". I do not remember her but they tell me she just appeared. She walked up to me. She came out of nowhere dressed in flowing black clothes. She approached with an unearthly grace. "May I anoint Jason before you take him?" She asked politely. Seeing no objections she moved to my side and removed a small vial of oil. She traced the pattern of the cross on my forehead as she uttered the most beautiful prayer. "You have a destiny to fulfill young one." She whispered in my ear. My family moved around me as they loaded me into the life flight chopper. They watched as it disappeared into the night sky heading toward the trauma center that would hopefully save me. My father turned to thank the lady who anointed and prayed over his son. "Where did she go?" he asked. They looked all around but to no avail she was nowhere to be seen. "Who was she?" asked his mother. "I don't know, never seen her before." stated the nurses as they returned to clean up. The family was confused but had others matters to attend to as they now began the race to the next hospital. They also were afraid on how to explain these events to my wife and children.
"Hang on son! Hang on!" screamed the state trooper as he crawled through the twisted metal to support my body. "What happened?" I asked the officer. "You've been in an accident, just hold on, we need to get you out of here."The trooper replied "Was it my fault?" I asked wearily. "No son you're on your side of the road you're the victim here just hang on." the trooper said as he called for backup. I could feel myself beginning to fade. It would have been so easy to slip into the sleep that now welcomed me. "Stay with me! Do not go to sleep! If you sleep you die!" He screamed. I looked at the trooper through a blurry haze. I could hardly see due to the blood that poured into my eyes. "Am I going to die?" I asked not really understanding my own question. "Not on my highway, not today." The trooper stated with a certain amount of faith that helped encourage me to fight harder. "what's your name?" the trooper asked trying to lighten the situation. "Jason." I murmered. I faded in an out of the world as the valiant trooper worked to save me. The feeling of drowning in darkness was so strong. It would have been incredibly easy to pass into the darkness that seemed to suffocate me. Each time I almost gave in the trooper would awaken me with shouts of encouragement or light smacks. He became the anchor I needed to the world of the living. The trooper continued to pushed me back from the precipice of death. He battled with death himself that day and fought a most valiant fight. I can never thank him enough for his actions and honor.
Others soon arrived on the scene. The firemen, the medics, the first responders all began to appear as if summoned by some mystical force. My cousin and my brother appeared on the scene as well. My cousin Chad held my brother at bay as he looked on the wreckage. "Jeremy there is no way I'm letting you any closer!" Chad screamed. My brother had gone into shock at seeing the mangled wreckage of his brother's car. Fate had spared my brother this day. Minutes before I had asked Jeremy to accompany me on my trip to town. He was unavailable at the time to make the journey so he stayed back at our home. If he would have taken the fateful trip he would have died at the scene. My passenger seat had a huge piece of the engine rammed through it. Jeremy would have been in that seat. Chad knew this as he passed my brother off onto some neighbors for care. Chad then ran to my side. I remember looking over after hearing him and asking "What happened man?" Chad's face was pale as he saw my predicament. I knew things were bad by the way Chad held his demeanor. He prodded and encouraged me to fight harder. Chad never left me, even when the emergency crews tried to chase him off. He was always a stubborn kind of guy. I admire his heart and determination. Stubborness must run in my family as I refused to give in to death's pull. Even as I continued to fight I still felt the touch of my God. He was another person who never left me that day. His presence continued to hold me and cradle me. Some would later say I had asked where the "guy" went. When they asked "What guy?" I would simply reply the one who was in the crash with me. Was the "guy" the trooper, Chad or some unseen hand that held mine? I may never know but I know the spirit that intertwined itself to me was real and far beyond my understanding.
The emergency responders were gathering by the truck load as I became center of attention. I could feel my life was fading fast. Time was of the utmost importance. Each second that passed brought my death that much closer. The trooper whose name I would later be told was Pack, held me while they worked desperately to extricate me from the mangled wreckage. With each jolt, each movement I could feel my shattered bones grind harder against themselves. The pain seared my conscience as I drifted in and out. "It's going to get very noisy so just hang with me." Pack told me as they broke out the jaws of life. Suddenly the fading world came to a explosion of sound as the machine that worked to get me out shattered glass and cut through metal. It was as if a thrash metal concert was taking place inside my skull. Then complete silence replaced the former chaos. I felt the hands of the emergency crews immediately get to work at saving my life. Life was traded for something else, survival. I simply endured the pain. I embraced it, focusing on the presence that still intertwined itself to me. The spirit still held me, lifted me and gave me life. Life where there should have been none.
Eventually I was freed from the mangled disaster. Transported to the closest hospital where the doctors went to work. They repaired the damage to my arteries and stemmed the flow of blood. However, being a small town hospital there was little else they could do."We need to get him to a trauma center" Dr. Hollingsworth screamed. "Life flight is in route!' replied another doctor. "Hang on Jason." The doctor stated. "Hang on a bit longer" I remembered through the haze of twisted memories faces and voices, some familiar others strange as I was carried from the hospital to the flight pad. "Jason your family is here." stated a nurse. I couldn't see them but I could feel their presence as I passed them in the hallway. My grandfather yelled out "We're praying for you Jay." "Keep praying papa" I whispered back through fear and tears. As they rushed me from the hospital to the flight pad I could feel the prayers fall around me. I could also feel the crisp coolness of the early summer air in the night. It gave me some comfort. I welcomed any comfort.
My family followed me to the flight pad. There were cries and whispers and of course questions. "Is he going to make it?" My mother asked. I could just hear the polite response of doctor. "We don't know, we just don't know. You can only pray now.". I do not remember her but they tell me she just appeared. She walked up to me. She came out of nowhere dressed in flowing black clothes. She approached with an unearthly grace. "May I anoint Jason before you take him?" She asked politely. Seeing no objections she moved to my side and removed a small vial of oil. She traced the pattern of the cross on my forehead as she uttered the most beautiful prayer. "You have a destiny to fulfill young one." She whispered in my ear. My family moved around me as they loaded me into the life flight chopper. They watched as it disappeared into the night sky heading toward the trauma center that would hopefully save me. My father turned to thank the lady who anointed and prayed over his son. "Where did she go?" he asked. They looked all around but to no avail she was nowhere to be seen. "Who was she?" asked his mother. "I don't know, never seen her before." stated the nurses as they returned to clean up. The family was confused but had others matters to attend to as they now began the race to the next hospital. They also were afraid on how to explain these events to my wife and children.
Simple Life
Simply live life...Simply.
I used to see the world very blindly, usually through other peoples prejudices. For the past four years I walked a life that is only now beginning to be my own. A life I realized is very very temporary. Like a veil pulled shut for a small amount of time until the real show begins. My eyes are only now beginning to see and my mind beginning to understand. It has taken me way to long to realize my trials exist for my benifit. Upon waking from my coma I felt so completely connected to everything and everyone. Somewhere along the journey I let the world effect the spiritual gift I was blessed with. So I recently began a journey to recapture my former state of mind and soul. I am working to move beyond the prejudices of religion, politics and life's ignorance that stand in my way. Reconnecting with the incredible peace and love that once coursed through me. The God of all things is my guide. I shave away the things that do not really matter in the end. The rain falls gently as I sit and write this. I relax myself into my life releasing the self imposed prison. I begin to soak up every aspect of every moment integrating them into a very small thing most people walk blindly through. A little thing called life. We are all connected for good or ill. Look beyond the modern world's blindness and see the connections. Art and music are but two of these connections linking us through visual or harmonic means. If I could explain all my visions you would either call me wiseman or madman. Whatever you may think of me I ask you this. Cut away all the foolish pride. When you stand at the end of your life's journey what will matter to you? When eternity requires your soul will you be found worthy or worthless. It's not the career, it's not the riches, it's not the material items you collected along the way that will matter in the end of all ends. Did you serve yourself or did you serve the greater power who would have you serve others. The answer is yours to find. You are not excused from the test of life and someday when you least expect it you will find yourself in front of the one who created you. Stumbling for excuses to all your prideful failures. But in the end there is no excuse. The wiseman does not fear death because he is one who lived simply. Simply live life.....SIMPLY!
I used to see the world very blindly, usually through other peoples prejudices. For the past four years I walked a life that is only now beginning to be my own. A life I realized is very very temporary. Like a veil pulled shut for a small amount of time until the real show begins. My eyes are only now beginning to see and my mind beginning to understand. It has taken me way to long to realize my trials exist for my benifit. Upon waking from my coma I felt so completely connected to everything and everyone. Somewhere along the journey I let the world effect the spiritual gift I was blessed with. So I recently began a journey to recapture my former state of mind and soul. I am working to move beyond the prejudices of religion, politics and life's ignorance that stand in my way. Reconnecting with the incredible peace and love that once coursed through me. The God of all things is my guide. I shave away the things that do not really matter in the end. The rain falls gently as I sit and write this. I relax myself into my life releasing the self imposed prison. I begin to soak up every aspect of every moment integrating them into a very small thing most people walk blindly through. A little thing called life. We are all connected for good or ill. Look beyond the modern world's blindness and see the connections. Art and music are but two of these connections linking us through visual or harmonic means. If I could explain all my visions you would either call me wiseman or madman. Whatever you may think of me I ask you this. Cut away all the foolish pride. When you stand at the end of your life's journey what will matter to you? When eternity requires your soul will you be found worthy or worthless. It's not the career, it's not the riches, it's not the material items you collected along the way that will matter in the end of all ends. Did you serve yourself or did you serve the greater power who would have you serve others. The answer is yours to find. You are not excused from the test of life and someday when you least expect it you will find yourself in front of the one who created you. Stumbling for excuses to all your prideful failures. But in the end there is no excuse. The wiseman does not fear death because he is one who lived simply. Simply live life.....SIMPLY!
An Ode To Pain
Ode to Pain.
What does it mean to be in pain? Often I wonder. For the last four years pain has become a close companion, never very far from my being. It's skeletal fingers often digging into the depths of my flesh.. Sometimes I am overcome by it's presence other times I am encouraged by it's icy touch. Like some demented voice it taunts me. I hear it screaming into my soul. "Dig deeper, push past me! Beat me if you can!" Other moments the pain drags me into my own hellish depths. At my weakest state it owns me. It's presence frustrates my usual calm demeanor. I feel my inner beast wanting to be unleashed. Like some rabid animal it hammers against the cage attempting to acquire its freedom from my self control. The beast and the pain are connected. They feed one another. Each gaining strength from the other. Like some sick cosmic joke they spiral inside me in an attempt to rip the peace from my soul.
There have been times when the pain has saved me. The day I battled for my life the pain gave me purpose. It coursed through my being with every pulse, every breath, every movement. It burned conscious thought from me. Like a flame it consumed me. Its sharp icy talons ripped me in pieces that day. I embraced the pain that day like a lost lover. I clung to it with my very being. The pain was my lifeline. Where there was pain there was also life. To excuse myself from it's presence would have meant certain death. It helped me survive.
There is sharp pain somedays. For no reason my body sends electrical impulses through me that instantly paralize my thoughts, soul and body. Like a lightning strike it rips through me snatching away my breath. During these times I am incredibly humbled. In those seconds I can only be a slave to the striking pain. Only when it eases do I gain control of my inner being. I pick myself up accept my weakness and go about my business. Though it may strike me down I will never give it the pleasure of truly owning me. I will be defiant to the end.
There are dull aches that course through me as well. Days when my bones seem to grind against one another. This pain is masterful. It is patient. It works itself slowly and methodically through my body. Beginning in some damaged joint it radiates into the bone then into my skull. This pain sucks the life from me like some blood crazed vampire. This pain enrages my inner beast. I feel the claws of my inner demons on my back. Their menacing talons puncturing my skin and muscle. Wanting me to release my all my vent up rage and anger at anyone and everyone. Sometimes I grow easily agitated with people so I withdraw myself to an inner sanctum. A place where no one will see my beast. A place where I can battle for control of myself. Here I stay until the storm passes. I only venture forth when I gain the illusion of control.
Over time I have learned to focus the pain. Through meditation, breathing and training I focus it's presence into a knife point. It's razor sharp edge though deadly becomes my weapon. Think me weak. Think me handicap. Underestimate me and that is your undoing. The pain keeps me alert and highly sensitive to my surroundings. My body has developed quite a keen sense of self preservation. Pain has been a pathway to unlocking secrets my soul and body has kept hidden for far to long.
The pain as of late has pushed me to limits I myself don't comprehend. I exist in a constant state of enduring. I ednure this life and this pain in hopes of somehow refining myself. What does'nt kill you makes you stronger ...right? Pain is the best teacher...right? God has put me in these trials for a reason...right? I know all these sayings are true. Though at times I doubt. The human side of me overtakes the spiritual side as I doubt. I know I will see the dawn though I am currently in the darkness. I will not give up up or give in. I am to much a fighter for that weak line of thought. But there are days when my soul aches. Like a massive groaning tree in a summer thunderstorm my soul aches for sweet release. So when that day comes do not mourn but celebrate like the vikings of old for my passing for I have had a good life and I will finally have moved beyond the pain!
What does it mean to be in pain? Often I wonder. For the last four years pain has become a close companion, never very far from my being. It's skeletal fingers often digging into the depths of my flesh.. Sometimes I am overcome by it's presence other times I am encouraged by it's icy touch. Like some demented voice it taunts me. I hear it screaming into my soul. "Dig deeper, push past me! Beat me if you can!" Other moments the pain drags me into my own hellish depths. At my weakest state it owns me. It's presence frustrates my usual calm demeanor. I feel my inner beast wanting to be unleashed. Like some rabid animal it hammers against the cage attempting to acquire its freedom from my self control. The beast and the pain are connected. They feed one another. Each gaining strength from the other. Like some sick cosmic joke they spiral inside me in an attempt to rip the peace from my soul.
There have been times when the pain has saved me. The day I battled for my life the pain gave me purpose. It coursed through my being with every pulse, every breath, every movement. It burned conscious thought from me. Like a flame it consumed me. Its sharp icy talons ripped me in pieces that day. I embraced the pain that day like a lost lover. I clung to it with my very being. The pain was my lifeline. Where there was pain there was also life. To excuse myself from it's presence would have meant certain death. It helped me survive.
There is sharp pain somedays. For no reason my body sends electrical impulses through me that instantly paralize my thoughts, soul and body. Like a lightning strike it rips through me snatching away my breath. During these times I am incredibly humbled. In those seconds I can only be a slave to the striking pain. Only when it eases do I gain control of my inner being. I pick myself up accept my weakness and go about my business. Though it may strike me down I will never give it the pleasure of truly owning me. I will be defiant to the end.
There are dull aches that course through me as well. Days when my bones seem to grind against one another. This pain is masterful. It is patient. It works itself slowly and methodically through my body. Beginning in some damaged joint it radiates into the bone then into my skull. This pain sucks the life from me like some blood crazed vampire. This pain enrages my inner beast. I feel the claws of my inner demons on my back. Their menacing talons puncturing my skin and muscle. Wanting me to release my all my vent up rage and anger at anyone and everyone. Sometimes I grow easily agitated with people so I withdraw myself to an inner sanctum. A place where no one will see my beast. A place where I can battle for control of myself. Here I stay until the storm passes. I only venture forth when I gain the illusion of control.
Over time I have learned to focus the pain. Through meditation, breathing and training I focus it's presence into a knife point. It's razor sharp edge though deadly becomes my weapon. Think me weak. Think me handicap. Underestimate me and that is your undoing. The pain keeps me alert and highly sensitive to my surroundings. My body has developed quite a keen sense of self preservation. Pain has been a pathway to unlocking secrets my soul and body has kept hidden for far to long.
The pain as of late has pushed me to limits I myself don't comprehend. I exist in a constant state of enduring. I ednure this life and this pain in hopes of somehow refining myself. What does'nt kill you makes you stronger ...right? Pain is the best teacher...right? God has put me in these trials for a reason...right? I know all these sayings are true. Though at times I doubt. The human side of me overtakes the spiritual side as I doubt. I know I will see the dawn though I am currently in the darkness. I will not give up up or give in. I am to much a fighter for that weak line of thought. But there are days when my soul aches. Like a massive groaning tree in a summer thunderstorm my soul aches for sweet release. So when that day comes do not mourn but celebrate like the vikings of old for my passing for I have had a good life and I will finally have moved beyond the pain!
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